What Does a Child Really Need to Get Through Life?

Despite our fixation on academics there are really two categories of skills that will make or break a life: character traits and life skills. And although these are often conflated, they are two distinct areas of development.

Character Traits:

Gratitude
Humility
Accountability
Integrity
Resourcefulness
Adaptability
Collaborative
Persistent/Determined

These are some examples of character traits. And the truth is that your opportunity to help your children develop them generally only comes during times of trial, big or small, when our first instinct is to intervene, ignore or offer ONLY comfort. Comfort in many cases should be offered. But you can offer more.

Example: “You didn’t get chosen for the role you wanted. I can see how upset you are. I am really sorry. Part of what is bothering you might be that you really felt you deserved the part. But the committee judged that someone else would do a better job. One of the best ways to overcome a disappointment like this is to be humble: to realize that in this case you weren’t the best one for the role. And that’s ok. That is called humility. I know that I am not better than everyone else, and I can accept that.”

Life Skills

How to Introduce Oneself
How to Communicate with Poise and Maturity
Prepare a Meal
Do Laundry
Handle Money
Make Purchases
Prioritize
Make and Execute a Plan of Multiple Steps
Direct Others
Follow Others Lead

These unfortunately are getting drowned in a tsunami of the pace of life and the breakdown of commonly accepted grace (that is not a matter of diversity, it is a matter of relativism). Treating others well (while it may not mean the same thing to everyone) is a common courtesy and universal cutting across cultures. And intention is everything. You don’t have to get it exactly right, you have to do your best to understand someone and treat him or her the way you think they would appreciate.

Life Skill Example: “When we approach the checkout, it usually makes people feel happy if you look at them and greet them. Sometimes the people working at the checkout line become invisible to the customers. Would you like to be the one to greet him and ask how his day is going? Do you want to practice with me first? Be sure to look up at my face when you talk or it will be hard to hear you. Also, look into my eyes when you are speaking. Ok, you are ready to do it. When we get to the store, you go before me in the check out line and be our family greeter. Let’s see if we can make the cashier smile.”

So many opportunities! Don’t let them get away from you.

Your Children Are Not Your Own

Contrary to how it feels when the nurse hands your first born over to you and waves goodbye, your children do not belong to you. They are not simply extensions of you. You have your life and they have theirs. Your lives are not interchangeable. Your dreams are not interchangeable. Children are yours on loan, for what will feel like a shockingly short period of time when they get ready to launch off on their own. And remember, your most important job is to prepare them for that launch. It is critical to remember, however, that despite all of our best intentions and even good parenting choices, there are no guarantees. Children are agents of free will. 

At some point, your children will have to make their own decisions. Some will be good ones, some will not. This is a guarantee. The best we can do is set our sights constantly on the future, on who we want them to become and ask ourselves what specifically and intentionally we have done recently to help our children develop this way. I have found that my answer is frighteningly often: nothing. 

If there were two things I could without fail bestow upon my children it would be agency and empathy. I wish for them that they grow into adults who constantly ask these two questions: “Being that things are as they are, what then shall I do?” (Well said, Jonathan Sacks)

And how can I make this life, this world, this moment a little bit better, a little easier, or a little more beautiful for those I share it with and those who come after? 


--> If I achieve that, I will consider it a job well done indeed. 

–Wendy Calise Head of School 

OfficeMax Takes a Stand on Parenting

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Watch the commercial and see for yourself.

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wOk3/office-depot-officemax-mom-song-by-bachman-turner-overdrive

Who is doing all the work for what are clearly grown able young people who could shop for themselves?

You got it…Mom. She even carries the bags.

While tempting to shrug this off as no big deal, this commercial is unintentionally defining “good parenting” - a mom running around doing everything while her passive children follow impotently along. The problem is, while this is efficient for mom, it is one of the few opportunities she has to get her children ready to stand on their own two feet.

What could they have learned?

How to interpret the shopping list

How to figure out the layout and organization of a store

How to ask a clerk for help

How shop within a budget that you set

How to handle money and count for correct change

How to carry your own bags

So what would a “good parent” do?

☐ Leave her children at home and do the shopping for them.

☐ Review the list with her children, show them around the store and then let them shop on their own.

✓ Give her children the list, some money, and wait in car while enjoying some kid free time on her Kindle.

If you want your children to be RTFW, you’re going to have to take them out of the shopping cart.

Teacher to Parent - Positive reinforcement doesn't work in the long run

Well said, Mr. Stallings.

Q. My third grade son recently came home in tears saying he didn’t want to go to school anymore because he was punished for talking during silent reading. The teacher kept him in from recess. I think this is horrible. It isn’t a teacher’s job to destroy a child’s love for school. Instead of constant punishment for every little infraction, what about using positive reinforcement?

A. He was in tears for having to miss recess? Ah, sweet innocence of youth. Let’s hope he never gets a really tough consequence. Or a boss. Or a job.

I don’t see what the teacher did as either horrible or tear-inducing. My advice would be to have a conversation with your third-grader on the topic of “coping skills.” Because if being kept out of recess has destroyed his love for school, I shudder to think what’s in store when he gets to algebra.

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Helicopter Parenting - We Do Not Appear to be Turning the Corner

This is a great article on some of the challenges of current parenting culture and the long term effects it is having on young adults who are raised this way. And what is best, it is filled with pictographs and stats that are easy to digest, though hard to swallow.

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